Yeeegh. So much is happening in the world and it's all so frustrating and tiring and sad. I think people need to learn kindness and compassion again. I can't even begin to talk about the state of the country- and besides, I'm sure there are people much smarter than me who have already said much more useful things about all that. I will say to please call your representatives and express your support for public broadcast, because things are looking pretty bleak over here at PBS.
All I can really talk about is how I feel. I'm pretty worn out. I wish I had more free time. I don't know how anyone with a family or with two jobs or with any more commitment than 40 hours a week to work actually manages. I haven't been sleeping enough- I keep doing that thing where I stay up later to have more free time, and it's starting to really wear me down in my day to day life. I've been caught sleeping at work twice now, which is... bad. Really bad. I downloaded Pokemon Sleep to try and push myself back in the right direction, but it's so hard. It seems like none of my friends want to hang out until 1AM, haha. I get they have their own lives going on earlier in the evenings but I wish they would carve out just a little more time for me every once in a while. But even then I would have FOMO for all the fun stuff that happens in the middle of the night. Man! Everyone get jobs so we have the same schedule please!!!
In the same vein I have neglected a lot of the things I need to do in favor of the things I want to do. My house is dirty, it needs to be cleaned. I need to do more laundry and actually put it away when it's done. I need to clean out my fridge and take out the trash. I feel like I could do any one of these things but the fact that there's so many is overwhelming. When I get home, I don't even know where to start- so I just don't. This can't be normal. There is no way everyone struggles this much with their day-to-day lives. I wish I had the energy and the motivation to just... Do it. To just do everything! I like to tell myself that if I could get it all done this once, I would keep up with it better going forward. But I'm not very confident that that's the truth.
When I saw a doctor (online) a couple years ago about the potential of me having ADHD, she insisted that it was just depression keeping me from focusing on tasks. That felt very wrong then- I didn't feel depressed, then, like I have in the past. But on the other hand, back when I got a free therapist from university, that doctor said that I've likely been consistently depressed since the age of 13 or so. I feel like I only count my very lowest moments as me being depressed. But it's actually always lingering, even when I feel relatively okay. Normal people don't live like this.
I don't know. On the other hand, it's kind of easy to hope that if I fix my sleep schedule, everything else will sort itself out too. I'm just so exhausted, all the time. I think that just needs to be step one. And getting a little exercise wouldn't kill me, either.
Ugh. I wish I could just get my head in the game. I know I can do my work faster than I'm doing it. I know I can draw and create and write back to my penpals and sort through my record collection and do all of that stuff that I supposedly "enjoy" if I could just catch up with life. Like I said, I really don't know how people do this- and this is without a partner to impress, or a kid to look after, or another job to work at. I feel like I'm doing the bare minimum in life and still barely keeping my head above water.